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update on cloudy days

7/7/2016

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Several years ago I read an interesting definition of depression: The resulting state of the act of depressing.  Along with this difinition I read about various creative ways people depress.  It was at this time that I realized I was no stranger to depression.  I knew that there was a cyclical framework to my life and I knew that I really hated the downturns but I didn't understand what was at play.

 It turned out that I used happy as a way to depress almost any other natural feeling.  I was terrified of any feeling other than happy.  I was in favor anything that had the promise of happy and opposed everything that did not.

In my marraige (both of them) I set my self up as the princess and my husband as the knight in shining armour; saying to them in many ways--do whatever it takes to keep everything good and happy.

 As you might expect, I was on the hunt for answers because the life of happy had reached a dead end.  I was lost and had no clue who I (or anyone else) was.  It was desperation that drove me look inward and attempt to unravel the tightly woven fabric of my "happy " life.  I just couldn't imagine why it all wasn't working.

I discovered that I am a human....and so is everyone else.

I discovered that the human condition is complex and worth exploring.  I discovered that I, and everyone else, contain a lifetime's work of discovery.  I realized that I don't have to cover up my contradictions, inadequacies, feelings, or anything else with happy.

 It turned out that joining the human race was a relief.

I discovered a whole world of fellow beings whith complexities just like me.  Letting go of the need to be happy all the time in order to be ok was a big relief for me as well as for my family.  

I began to find the middle way.

Yet, when the gloom of hopelessness and thoughts of giving up come around its still a pretty big emergency for me.  Red flags still fly because this is too much sadness and too much sadness is a much bigger problem than too much happiness.

Or is it? 

  
1 Comment

    Lucy Facer Bernstein

    I am a committed yogi and community member. I believe in the goodness of humankind and that as we discover our ultimate connectedness we can all find peace....within and without.  

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