It turned out that I used happy as a way to depress almost any other natural feeling. I was terrified of any feeling other than happy. I was in favor anything that had the promise of happy and opposed everything that did not.
In my marraige (both of them) I set my self up as the princess and my husband as the knight in shining armour; saying to them in many ways--do whatever it takes to keep everything good and happy.
As you might expect, I was on the hunt for answers because the life of happy had reached a dead end. I was lost and had no clue who I (or anyone else) was. It was desperation that drove me look inward and attempt to unravel the tightly woven fabric of my "happy " life. I just couldn't imagine why it all wasn't working.
I discovered that I am a human....and so is everyone else.
I discovered that the human condition is complex and worth exploring. I discovered that I, and everyone else, contain a lifetime's work of discovery. I realized that I don't have to cover up my contradictions, inadequacies, feelings, or anything else with happy.
It turned out that joining the human race was a relief.
I discovered a whole world of fellow beings whith complexities just like me. Letting go of the need to be happy all the time in order to be ok was a big relief for me as well as for my family.
I began to find the middle way.
Yet, when the gloom of hopelessness and thoughts of giving up come around its still a pretty big emergency for me. Red flags still fly because this is too much sadness and too much sadness is a much bigger problem than too much happiness.
Or is it?