I've been spending a lot of time with my mother over the past month as she has had serious health problems that may have caused her death.  She fought to live.  Her conditions were painful and hard to endure yet she fought to stay here with us....and here, she is!

We, her children, have been at her side to support her as well as my father......  And as is usual in families we have "family dynamics".  Truthfully we are quite a well functioning family with underlying love and acceptance of one another with only occasional flare-ups.  Which I think is great.  There are 10 children; 3 girls and 7 boys.  My parents are hard working, honest, caring people and they did their best to raised us to be the same.  

Two nights ago, as I was helping her into bed, I got her all settled in and was holding her hand, she looked into my eyes and thanked me for helping her.  Then she asked me, "do you think all families have some dysfunction?"  Now I'm not sure which "flair up" she may have been thinking about or if there was a specific reference to her question at all but I sensed some reflection had been going on in her. 

I said to her emphatically: All families have plenty of dysfunction; we can't help it; it's the perfect design anyway.  Each of us has our own set of issues that we seem to be born with.  (Which we can see in our family....there are 10 of us and no 2 are alike in personality, propensity or issues) Then we get to live in a family with other people who love us .... unconditionally---to the best of all of our abilities.  It's our best opportunity to be supported in our journey!  It's nothing to feel bad about or think it could have been any other way.

The main key is to underscore everything or build everything upon a foundation of unconditional love, gentleness and friendliness with ALL.  And ALL means ourselves too. 

As I was going on about this she began to fall asleep; her eyes were fluttering open only every few seconds and I said good night to her.

She held on to my hand for a moment longer and said "thank you"

And I thought about the first time that I realized that ALL means ME too.....I remembered the relief and comfort I afforded myself on that first time and how inner gentleness and friendliness has become a basis for my journey and has allowed me to take risks, explore possibilities and calmed my fears.

I don't know how gentle she is or isn't with herself inside.  I know she was and is gentle and loving toward us.

She probably just needed a little reminder...as we all do from time to time....that

ALL means YOU too.

Several times a day I open my mouth as wide as I can and un-clinch my jaw.  Periodically I become aware that it is tight again.  Life and living seems to wind it up in a kink.  It's not the only place that gets wound up either....shoulders and lower back are also common.

I'm happy today that It is noticeable enough for me to do something about it.  Before I started practicing yoga and awareness I didn't notice things like this......I didn't notice my body or my relationship to it.  I think this jaw must have been wound up so tightly for so   long that I didn't remember anything else.  With awareness and practice I began to let go of so much gripping....I began to understand what I was doing in the ways I move and hold my physical body and could, with awareness,  choose something different.....I could choose to unwind the tight places.

Just like the places in my body that tense and kink there are places in my mind that do the same thing.  A few years ago when this was first pointed out to me, I didn't get it.  The processes of my mind were hidden to me and the only things I could be aware of were content....

.......Content is easy to recognize in the brain.....its aalllll the stuff we think about wrapped up in our assessments and judgements of it.

Content may be proof of the state we are in.....anxious, unsatisfied, afraid, etc.  But knowing the content won't give us the insight we need to see how we are wound up in these things.  What we really need is access and understanding of the process

The real benefit of yoga practice for me is that the physical practice of unwinding my body began to educate my mind and spirit.  Just like it takes time, intuition, interest, awareness, patience and commitment to unwind and further my physical yoga practice; when I apply these to my inner life, things begin to unwind.

Trungpa Rimboche said that if you want to unwind you have to first see how you are wound up.

For me, starting on a physical level gave me time and space to enter slowly a place I wasn't sure I really wanted to go in......  I had tried acquiring a meditation practice but it eluded me and I gave up.  It was quite by accident that I decided to try yoga as a fix for my aging posture. 

Most of us have tried finding a place of ease, or of unwound in the right relationship or or the right circumstances but no one can do this work for another.   I cannot practice yoga for my husband even though he is in dire need....I cannot have someone do my practice for me....  This stuff is an inside job. 

It's actually empowering to know that I am the only one who needs to understand me and I am the only one who can change anything about my inner life.  No one can come along and take over for me....telling me that I'm doing it wrong.  No one can undermine my journey. 

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Each of us has unlimited opportunities to be engaged in this process of personal evolution and we can choose to do it or not; we can choose from an array of approaches and methods. 

Or we can stay wound up...... if that feels good.

Unwound feels better to me.









 

​