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My True Identity

2/16/2014

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I was participating in a guided meditation last week and the leader asked us to see ourselves as an eternal being of light and love.  Thankfully, I was able to do this. 


For the past 6 years I have been on a particular journey to understand my true identity and know what I am here on earth to do.  I know it has been 6 years because this particular road in my life was started at the birth of Isabel.....  That experience brought me to such a raw place within my being that I got a tiny sense that there was something important for me to know within the unexplored territory of my soul.  That tiny sense began to vibrate deep within me with a strange feeling.  The journey started without my intention.....it pulled at me with a steady tug.  This vibration was new to me; unrecognizable to the files in my head but in my heart there was a small possibility I had felt it and known it before.


At that time, I had already been surrendering to life on life's terms and meditation was a practice I pursued (but to pursue meditation is somewhat contradictory; right?) but I didn't honestly think I deserved any answers from that.  My only hope was that I would be able to live.....and that was enough.  But this new vibration; this new feeling; this new thought was staying with me and I began to get the sense that life was going to get easier; or I was beginning to feel an ease in living that I hadn't had before.  


Through the grace of the universe, meditation became available to me.  Then one day, a realization came to me and I understood my true identity.  And as I think about putting it down, here, in black and white, I can't bring myself to do it.  It's not really important for me to tell you what my true identity is....but the important thing is that it came to me and was so clear to me that I wondered how I had gone so long with out remembering it.  Upon knowing it, I also knew my purpose; they go together. 


My Zen teacher says that we are all inherently enlightened and that our meditation practice is designed to wake us up to what already is.  
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Grace

2/6/2014

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Grace is a broad subject.  It is talked about in religions but surely grace is not owned by any religious style.  I believe the universe has an unlimited supply of grace which is available to us all without condition.  In society, as we grab on to the universal grace that is available,  grace is a gift of the heart; generating from and received into human heart to human heart.  To me, the most important aspect of grace is the "free" aspect.  The only condition for giving or receiving grace is openness.

"Opening to grace" is a concept that has been presented by my Anusara yoga teachers over the years.  The practice of yoga is practice for life so it makes sense that a cornerstone in the practice would be grace.  For most of my life I felt unworthy of grace.  I believed that someone had to prove through excellent living that they were good enough to receive the grace the universe had to offer......and I was certainly never good enough. How ironic that the solution to a graceless life is to open myself up to grace......Way too simple!  But by the time I landed on a yoga mat, I had long given up on proving myself good and worthy and had decided to just try to be of service.  Miraculously, I was then free to accept the grace that was available to me.  Hallelujah! 


To be open to grace from the universe means that in any moment I am not alone as a human being in the world.  Through grace I am connected to all that is.  Due to grace, I can completely accept all that is.  Due to grace, there can be ease in living no matter what life brings.  With grace, I can connect to my fellow beings no matter what they are doing or how they are being.  Without grace I am a separate, disconnected, dissatisfied individual.....and life gets smaller and smaller.



Life has a way of bringing us to places where we will grab a hold of a bit more grace in order to meet those challenges.  


Today is February 6.  


This has been and will continue to be a day of more grace for me and my family.  I will forever be grateful for the outpouring of universal grace that flooded down upon us at the moment Dennis and I laid eyes on our stillborn baby.  We loved her no less that any of our children at that moment and still;  yet we were required by life, to surrender her.  We were bestowed acceptance and peace.....without even deserving it. ( We are just regular people who have faults and make plenty of mistakes)  It was surprising and not surprising how that grace appeared and that it was sufficient.


I will forever be grateful for the outpouring of grace that flooded to us by our community, family and friends.....heart to heart.  Not the least of whom was a total stranger; a funeral home manager who took care of us personally..... I will never forget his kindness and generosity.  I am grateful for all the sweetness expressed from Dennis and my children to me at this time each year.....we all experienced this life event and all have our own experience of it and yet they are sure to express concern for me.  This expression of grace one with another is particularly sweet to me.  


Today I hang, outside my bedroom window, the 6th wind chime....... for Isabel.  Every time I hear those tinkling sounds outside my window I feel a bit of sorrow, a bit of longing and a lot of grace.






  



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February 2

2/2/2014

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Yesterday at 10 am I rolled out my mat to practice with my favorite teacher......I intended to submit to the practice she would give; I do this regularly.  Yesterday, in honor of groundhog day being today, she referenced the movie with Bill Murray and Andy McDowell.  If you've seen the film then you know what was about to happen; as I did..... We began to practice the same same sequence of poses over and over and over.....  I wondered if I would have chosen this practice for myself at that moment and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't have.....but I had already committed and accepted what I had to do.  Sometimes this wonderful thing happens on my mat.  The process of practicing yoga really connects to living life.  


Tomorrow would be February 2.  


Today is February 2.  Six years ago today I was 32 weeks pregnant and the baby I was carrying stopped moving inside my belly.  I knew this day was coming as she had been diagnosed with a genetic defect and I had been told she would not live outside the womb. I understood the chances were high that she would pass before birth and only slim that she would pass after.  Honestly, I didn't know which to hope for.  Many times during the previous 12 weeks since the diagnosis I wondered if I would have chosen this life experience for myself.  Surely, I wouldn't have.  But life has a way of giving us opportunities to practice being who we are; opportunities way bigger than we would choose for ourselves.


Six years ago I truly wept, maybe for the first time in my life, and I was truly comforted at the same time.  It was just the two of us.....and then she left.  Almost simultaneously, the blessings of the universe began to rain down upon me.  I can say for sure that there is unlimited grace and compassion available all the time to each of us.  That day I surrendered to that experience and received more than I could have imagined.  She gave to me more than I gave to her.   By choosing experiences that I feel are manageable, like submitting to a teacher and a practice for an hour and fifteen minutes, I remember that I have, and know that I will again, choose to surrender with grace and ease to all that life brings me.  


Yesterday I was getting ready for today; I was aware that it was February 1 when I woke up.  For 5 years I have been keenly aware of February 1 because the next day will be February 2.


Every today I am practicing for tomorrow.


Her name is Isabel.  It was four more days until she was born.  That was February 6.
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    Lucy Facer Bernstein

    I am a committed yogi and community member. I believe in the goodness of humankind and that as we discover our ultimate connectedness we can all find peace....within and without.  

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